Just when you thought it was safe to be in a relationship....

Well, crazy, but the girlfriend I referred to as practically perfect has gotten some sort of stupid flu. The most severe case possible, Im afraid. After nearly 4 years, she decided she needed a few days alone. Ok. Its rough, I miss her, but I understand. Flash forward 6 days. She's still not coming home, but does drop by almost daily to pick up A shirt or A pair of pants. Doesnt take the toothbrush. Nothing like that. Just little things here and there. Im am too irratated to go into this novel length story, but belive me, the 6 days were full of ups and downs. STILL, I never thought we would break up. Then came wenesday. My friend says "Drew, (my g/f's dopey best friend) came over at 4 am last night crying about how (ok wait, not her real name.... and I cant defame Clea DuVall here so....um... we'll call her Miss Evil. Yes, that seems appropriate. Anyway.....) crying about how Miss Evil is always with her new g/f and he never sees her anymore." Ok wait. Considering Miss Evil told me she was staying with Drew the whole time, including just the day before, this hits me on several unpleasant levels. In order to not make this the longest blog in history I'm skipping about 90% of what happened. Nut shell, that day I ask her if she's cheating on me. "No." Mhmmm. I ask several more times cuz I know too much about this situation than to just believe her. Finally I get that they kissed and have been sleeping in the same bed. Well... I dont know about everyone else, or say, the universal rule, but in my book thats called cheating. Not in Miss Evil's book. Oh no. "Its not like that." Theyre "just friends". Blah blah on and on. Whatever. I break up. Something I would have never even expected myself to do the very day before. So now, its the following tuesday and you wouldnt believe the adventures that have filled this last week. The topper? Yesterday she wants to come get more of her stuff, AGAIN... for the 50th time, because it is obviously impossible for her to just get her stuff and get out. I tell her fine, were going to descuss bills, yada, yada. My only stipulation is come by yourself. Things will be much more pleasant that way. Ok? Ok. She comes. Its not alone. No. Its with some fat girl with bleached blond hair, a giant head, and fish eyeballs. Im assuming this was Miss' "kissing in bed but not cheating". I am right. I throw all Miss Evil's things out the door and at the fat girl in the jeep. Which might mean she doesnt have fish eyeballs, but rather was just frightened by the hail storm of clothes coming right at her. More drama ensues. I tell Miss Evil in some not very nice words to get that girl out of my sight NOW. That is the extremely edited version. She does. Blah. Skipping ahead over about 50% more drama. So Miss Evil's aquaintance, we'll call them, comes running at me in the WalMart parking lot yesterday. She's very nice and full of the appropriate "sorrys" and "thats sooo wrong and sucks" type comfort. Then she informs me that Miss Evil has been practically having a nervous breakdown. "Tripping out", constantly missing collge classes (where she met the fat girl), and that she is going through some really weird thing right now. She's really messed up. Um....well good! But then comes the reddest cherry in the existance of man to top that cake, Miss fat girl is married with 2 kids! Miss Evil was staying with her and her HUSBAND! Ok now that is just a whole new level of tacky and stupid. So anyway, Miss Evil STILL refuses to admit she cheated. Now her story has changed to "she slept on the couch". Ok. On top of, or under the fat fish girl? Hmmmm. Oh well, who knows where things will go from here. I still have to talk to her 25 more times about bills, her stuff, and whatever else she can come up with. Lame. Guess thats all for now.

K Fed... K Yikes!

Okay.... so how scary is the K Fed guy? I mean really. The sad thing is that I used to find Britney pretty hot. I'm sorry, but stick a hot girl in a school girl uniform and I'm pretty much there. No wait, I'm not sorry. ANYWAY, but then this whole Kevin skank-a-thon thing happened and now I just can't get it for her anymore. And have you heard that PopoZao song? Oh yikes it's scary! FRIGHTENING. Michael Myers scary. Yeah, that's right, dude in a white mask with a knife in your house scary. Plus, I am a totally color blind person who believes everyone has their goods and their bads, but I hafta say what we're all thinking.... does this dude know he's white? Not that he's trying to "act black", more like he's trying to "act Brazillian" or...whatever language Papa-whats-it-called comes from. I don't care if you dig the music and the clothes, just don't talk like you're from deep Compten when you're married to southern fried Britney freakin' Spears, ok? And the song is just on a whole new level of suck anyway. Granted, I'm more of a heavy metal type girl, but I can be open minded....to things that DON"T suck! Geez! And he just looks greasy, doesn't he? He looks...smarmy. Is that a word? Cuz he looks it! In 15 yrs he is going to completely morph into that uncle all the kids are uncomfortable with. He just needs to shut up, sit down, and thank God in heaven that he got lucky enough to get Britney Spears lookin like he looks! (Even if he has totally drug her down to trailer trash level... poor thing.) I know she's not the smartest cookie out there, and boy do I know that from watching that show Caos like once, but surely she knows she can do better than Mr. Wangsta grease boy 2006. Right? Doesn't she? Britney! Honey! Yoohooo! Wake up off the I've-lost-my-mind trip and run! Take the mini KFed tot and run!! I might have to call 911 or something, although I don't know if she could possibly recover from what Mr. Smarmy has done to her reputation.

Is Michelle Rodriguez gay? DUI?! Fast, furious, drunk, and gay????

Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested within 15 minutes of each other on DUI charges.

Is Michelle Rodriguez a lesbian? Oh God in Heaven, I hope so! Wouldn't that just be like Christmas? I know, I know... just look at her. My gaydar is going off so loud it can be heard in outerspace. So aside of that, yes, Michelle and her LOST co-star were arrested some time last week after drinking at a club together. Rumors say they left the club in seperate cars, following one another, then were both pulled over. You know what they had to be thinking when they saw those dreaded red and blue lights in the rear view. That sucks! While Cynthia pleaded guilty and is "remorseful", Michelle has pleaded not guilty. I have no idea of where it has gone from there. I do know that she is supposedly already on probation from a "domestic" incident a while back... AKA a fight with her girlfriend where in the cops were called. I dont know the whole scoop and dont pretend to. I simply walk away from that sentence with the important information. The part that says "her girlfriend". I don't know anything about Michelle (don't you love how I consider myself on a first name basis with her like we hang out all the time or something...?) anyway, I don't know her personally, (dang it!!!) but I do know she's a great actress and seems like a very cool, laid back person in interviews. She seems like she'd be a lot of fun to hang out with, make out with.... whatever. She also comes across as a very smart, down to earth, funny girl. A regular ol' Jane, so to speak, rather than a concieted, above it all, movie star. I love LOST. Couldn't care less what SWAT is about, but will probably own it just because she is wearing that uniform. Mmmmm. And, I have a whole new view of cops ever since Anna Lucia was working that uniform on LOST. I don't know about you, but if all cops looked like that, I'd be getting pulled over daily. What can I say? I'm a sucker for assertive, tough girls.

My ex-girlfriend is a CRAZY hoe. Wooo!

(The lovely girl in this photo is not my ex-grilfriend but rather Punky Brewser.)

Yeah, it's true. Truth is, we haven't dated in a few yrs, but the Crystal news train never quits coming. A little background. Very nutshell. I met this girl at church. You know, where you're supposed to meet nice girls. We dated, drama ensued. I sacrificed a job I loved so we could move away from her family, who were of course giving me death threats. No joke. We move away. Everything is fine until about 6 monthes later, which is when I pressume she started cheating on me with the crack whore down the street. This girl was a literal crack whore. Her drug dealer actually set her car on fire once. She weighed about 30lbs and had japanimation eyebrows. Anyway, then Crystal started cutting herself. Sweet stuff like my intials in her arm. (I'm being sarcastic by the way. Not sweet. More scary.) So anyways, fast foreward past a lot more drama like her hitting on my best friend right in front of me, cheating with yet another girl, and I imagine... a whole bunch of scary japanimation sex, to our break up. When I found out all this stuff, it was over. That's when the real drama began. In church she tells the whole congregation that she's been "saved" and is now straight. So of course they all loved that and hated me because I refused to lie about my identity. Then, I found out she had stolen a near $1000 out of my bank account and was STILL writing checks. Then she goes to all my friends... practically everyone Ive known since kindergarden, trying to get them to take her side. Calling me a liar and a cheater. Echemm. Yeah... whatever. She goes to my stoarge building to "pick up some of her stuff" but ends up treating the place like her own personal K Mart. She took my VCR, electric guitar, and TV. Maybe more, I dont remember. Keep in mind that during all of this she is still trying to have sex with me. Then on one of our church trips she actually brought Miss Crack Whore Japanimation Eyebrows. A few months later she shows up to church with Heather tatooed on her forearm like shes a rough neck sailor or something! Being so bright, she thought this would all make me jealous rather than expose her as a big ol' liar to the whole church. Then she came over to my house with her mommy to get her $10 cd case back, which she assumed would of course require the police. The girl is crazy! She did the usual drive by a zillion times then call me a stalker. You name it, she did it.

So that leads us to today... (If you don't mind me cutting out about 50 more incidents after that.) I'm with my wonderful girlfriend of almost 4 yrs and a friend getting food. The girl working the window is my girlfriend (whom I think Ill refer to as Clea Duvall...mmmm....yes) Clea Duvall's cousin and goes to the infamous church that saw the great Crystal Saga. She's like, "guess who went over to Jim's house?!" (Jim being the youth leader who over saw this whole Fatal Attraction and blamed me.) Well guess who.... Window girl continued, "Crystal! And she brought her new girlfriend!" That girl just doesnt get it. Thing is, she had moved down to Housten after all this. Has lived down there for years, which didnt hurt my feelings at all. But being who she is, she came back... I guess. That's what she always does. Makes a HUGE mess, or steals $, however you want to word it.... then she runs away from it. Then she comes back. Then leaves. Then moves back. Then moves away. She's been back and forth probably 10 times since this whole ordeal. Well, rumor has it, now she's going into the army. Yeah, I bet she is. Dont ask, dont tell. And nevermind the Heather tatoo. I wonder if that bothers Miss New g/f. Hmmm... actually, I feel sorry for the new girl. I had to learn the hard way too. Crystal seems all doe-eyed and sweet when you first meet her. Sugar, spice, and all about the sex. Well actually I guess the sex part is true, you just dont realize its with you AND the tri-state area. But oh well. I am currently living happly ever after with Clea Duvall. Mmmmm Clea Duvall. So it really doesnt matter, it just kills me how much Crystal crap is still thrown my way after so long. Talk about the Ex that wont die!

If you are 30 years old and up this is funny. Funny cuz it's true!

Now that I'm the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.If we wanted to know something, we had to go to thelibrary and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!There was no email! We had to actually write somebodya letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all theway across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to stealmusic, you had to hitchhike to the record storeand shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait aroundall day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribesome homeless dude to buy you a copy! of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video gameswith high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiplelevels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thingas stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just outa luck! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that wasonly like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!You were outa luck when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your rear and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on SaturdayMorning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little babies!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stoveforever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kidstoday have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Moron of the day. (1)

This little blog is going to feature one of the many morons I work with so that everyone will be familiar later. We'll call him Mr. A. Derive what you will from that. Mr. A has worked at our department for about 20 years which evidently entitles him to sit in my bosses office with his feet on the desk watching tv all day. By the way, our entire department is an "out side" job. So that makes this oh so sneaky tv watching just a little more sore thumbish. Mr. A falls somewhere between 350 to 400lbs. Probably from all that hard labor he gets in every day. He wears his work shirt with pride in a size most plp wouldn't know existed. It hangs like a blue moo moo off the guys gigantic, evil, Santa belly and man boobs. He has a gravely voice and a scary mary black and gray beard that he loves to trim in the women's bathroom, leaving a speckle fest of hairs that resemble pubes in our one and only sink. I wouldn't care about Mr. A, nor be so rude about his plump stature, if he didnt hate me for no apparent reason. He manages to be pissed off every single day because I leave at 4 rather than 5. He fails to put together that I also come in an hour early in the morning. He fails to remember this every single day. I'm noting a pattern. Do I hear any tiddy baby fits when Im unlocking the big, pitch black warehouse in the mornings all by myself? No. Why? Because all the tiddy babies are at home sleeping. (I leave early because I am going to college, btw, not some woohoo I'm better than you defiance.) This is cleared with the boss. My job can be done at any time of day, so "8-5" isn't really a factor. I always get my work in on time or early. So I'm not seeing the big. But Mr. A has to throw his usual little girl fit every day, none the less. He's the kind of guy that laughs at jokes/insults that range around the quality of "well why don't you marry it!" Last week for example, when Mr. F, (the guy in his late 50's who has decided he likes me and has for the 4 yrs Ive worked there... which he does in an oogey sort of seriel killer way. Remeber, Im gay. I'll feature him at a later date) ... anyway, Mr. F stood in the way of my sprint out the door at the end of the day, as he so often does. He threw an arm around me, which he also does far more than I care for, and unleashed this knee slapper, "So when are you going to start staying till 5 like the rest of us?" Mr. A busted out laughing, or more cackling, at this. Like it was the greatest "put me in my place" line ever. You would have thought they pantsed me or something. Mr. A and the rest of the guys were, by the way, furiously busy playing cards at this time. So, I responded, "Yeah, you guys look like you need a lot of help playing your cards." To which Mr. F blushed. I'm not sure why. Long story short, I've had more than one run in with Mr. A. Some have ended with me obliterating him in front of all the guys. Those times are my favorires. I can't remember why now, post tramatic stress probably blocked it out, but he really pissed me off once... so I launched into an absolute ego demolishing rant. To which he had no reply because he has no sense of come back. So he was just left to squirm like the 400lb evil santa he is in front of all the guys... who were also speechless. A battle of wits would really have to be all 25 guys against me, and even then, I would still have to give them a 10 point head start. Oh who am I kidding. I'd still destroy them.

The Book of Danial

Well... its a good dang thing this is America so I can watch a tv show if I want to! Oh wait.... yeah, thats right. I can't. Not this one anyway. My backwoods hillbilly town voted to take it off our local station. %57. Hm. The reason this pisses me off is because, um hello, if you don't wanna watch it why don't you just turn the channel??? Why dictate to everyone else what they can and can't watch? Its not even about TBOD that's the point. It's that I really need to know why you get to tell me what I have your permission to watch! This is a free channel plp! Why do you get to dictate what's on it? I could understand if everyone was forced to sit down at city hall and watch it. I could understand if it was porn. I could even understand if for some reason it was sent to us by the goverment to brainwash us, (which is what the republicans prob think....) But this is a free channel that you can simply tune out of if you don't like it! No boobys. No instructions on how to make bombs. No. Just a show, not unlike the other zillion on tv that everyone somehow realizes they can tune out of! I'm pissed. I thought the show was ok. Im sorry if it doesnt portray christians as perfect plp with no problems who handle every single situation perfectly. But Im a christian and I live in the real world where stuff comes up! I face things every day that arent so pleasant. I thought this show reflected that. Yeah, some of it was a bit far-fetched, but how many TV shows are dead on real life? Hello Desperate Housewives... (which now has a whole new meaning in my town).

South of Nowhere

South Of Nowhere

I love South Of Nowhere!!! Yes, I'm 30 and this show is on The N. I don't care. It's about cutie pie Spencer (the little blond to your left) and her bad girl crush Ashley (brunette cutie.) This show is great! It explores 16 year old Spencer's budding lesbianism. Where was this show when I was in high school??? Picture it. 1993. I'm a 17 yr old slacker... a very cute young lady if I might say so myself. In between lots of Nirvana, Beavis and Butthead, and flannel, I was off dreaming of a hook up between My So Called Life's Angela and ReaAnn. I still think there was a little something somethin' going on there..... OR, I was sneaking the movie "Heavenly Creatures" (starring Kate Winslet and Melanie Lynsky as murderous lesbians). There I was, late at night, sitting as close to the tv as one could get. My finger ready on the stop button for just in case my mom walked in. Why didn't I just wait at the ready with the channel selector? Our's was broke. Very ghetto, I know. But anyway, all this hub bub for one "worth it" kiss scene and a nudey moment shared in the tub. You could see Kate's nipples if you stared hard enough.....mmmm. Memories. But anyway. Both those scenes are nothing now a days. And murderous lesbians was about as good as it got! Now, between Willow and Tara, Xena and Gabrielle, TATU, and now South of Nowhere... much to the right winger's dismay, there are lesbians everywhere! Yea! I heard a rumor about The N's Degrassi having some lesbos. Might just have to start watching that teen thrillarama too. Hey, me and mine never had this stuff in the Gen X years! I feel no guilt whatsoever!

Rollergirls. Roller dirby. Violent chicks. Its sounds like a winning combo to me!

Just wanted everyone to know my current obsession is A&E's Rollergirls. Is anyone else watching this? My dad says the whole thing is rigged and they know who is going to win before the bouts. Well, even though that does hurt my feelings a little bit to think about it, I also think.... who cares? As long as hot girls are riding the rink it those foxy little outfits, who cares if its rigged??? Its like when everyone was going around saying that the Russion pop duo TATU werent really lesbians. Well who cares?? They wear little school girl outfits and make out in their videos. I mean, come on people! What does it matter if they're faking it? Because if youre griping about that, it takes more to make you happy than it does me. But anyway, I love rollergirls because all the girls are punk style hot and spend most of their time initiating fist fights. I dont know if the fights are real, but I do know you get a good view of the very real panties when one of them go flying over the rail. I like Venus Envy for spunk, but I gotta say she's not the cutiest of the bunch. I personally found Miss Conduct to be the most skaterlicious... even if she was always drunk and confused. But that's the story of my life. I always fall for the worst girl in the room. Got a particular afinity for the bad girls. Yum.... bad girls. Although, I must say my current woman is very non-drunk and non-confused. She also seperates herself from my last pack of ex-s by NOT cheating and lying. Hmmmm. Guess my judgement is getting better. Anywho... none the less, Miss Conduct may have been the least say "aware" of the Rollergirls, but she certainly was the hottest. And the fastest. That chick burned up the rink! Only on episode 2 and I'm already looking forward to the Rollergirls Season 1 DVD!

The Secret Life of Plain Jane - And the adventure of exploitation begins.

What do you do when you’re leading a double/secret life? Broadcast it all over the internet, of course. At least that’s what I’ve decided to do. And just what is it about humans that makes us wanna fling our personal going-ons all over the net anyway? I don’t know, but I’m on board!

So here goes. I work for “the city”, a job I consider as part of “the man”, (not as in male, just as in- down with the man!)dealing with far more crap than can be humane or healthy, but which is always interesting/embarrassing/and or infuriating. Which city? Not so important. All that is important to know is that I am surrounded by a bunch of rednecks who don’t like me because I don’t shoot and kill animals while drinking beer. I just don’t fit in with those darn multi-taskers!

Thankfully, I only have to see these guys for about ten minutes a day. At most. You’d think that wouldn’t be so bad. Oh… but it is. Bad enough to hurl me into this blog binge in the making. They are all hairy, sweaty, for the most part overweight, wanna-be cowboys who refer to me as “the weirdo girl”. I’m 30, not married, and not a single mom. I’m into heavy metal, still dye my hair pink, like to go to concerts, and am... I like to think, still very youthful. In a good way, of course. Not in that pesky need-to-grow up sort of way.

So since all that makes me weird, along with not liking country music, dip, or cowboy boots… just imagine what will happen if they ever find out I’m gay. Which has its probabilities since I’m also a struggling writer, doing all I can to claw my way out of this small town.

Why would my writing “out” me to the good ol’ boys? Because the editor who has taken an interest in my work insists that ass kicking Amazon women, (on a life or death quest mind you), have more than enough time for sex. And I’ve branched out into fan fiction to practice this. NC17 fan fiction, by the way. I seem to have quite the knack for it too.... I don’t know how I feel about that, but anyway.

So I figured, what the heck! Might as well broadcast all my personal irritations/escapades in a blog for all the wrong people to find. At least while I’m risking my own neck I’ll also be exposing, pointing fingers, and fighting the evil forces synonymous with The Man and The Rednecks!